Week 14 Rants & Ranks (and early hardware)
You know what's sick? After Week 13 of this NFL season, only one NFC team has officially been eliminated from playoff contention - the Detroit Lions at 2-10. The Cardinals & Buccaneers, both 3-9, are still mathematically alive for a Wild Card berth.
Welcome to the age of crapiness, uh, parity. Yeesh.
Well, we're officially 3/4 of the way through the year, so before this week's ranks, let's give out some awards, shall we?
Now, there's always the easy way out - the MVP, the Coach of the Year, etc. But I don't roll like that. I'll give out those awards after Week 17. For now, let's have some fun.
Joe Gibbs' Memorial "Why did I come back?" Award: Although this could easily go to Gibbs himself, I'm giving it to Art Shell and his 2-10 Oakland Raiders. Let's see - they rely on Aaron Brooks at quarterback, Randy Moss openly quits during games, and Jerry Porter has one catch for 19 yards in the four games he's actually be active for. Did you know Shell actually has a winning record as a head coach? Yup - they're a contender all right...
Joe Cullen Memorial "Assistant coach getting it completely wrong" Award: Shockingly, this also goes to a member of the Raiders’ coaching staff. Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan apparently doesn't understand the concept of lying down to get a better draft pick, since the Raiders have the #1 ranked passing defense in the league, allowing only 143 yards per game. Of course, since the Raiders are often behind late in games, many teams just run the clock out rather than continue to pass. But numbers don't lie, and the Raiders don't allow 150 yards a game through the air.
Tom Brady Annual "Holy Crap - who's this guy?": Not surprisingly, this goes to Tony Romo. Before he spit the bit this week against the Giants, Romo hadn't thrown more than one pick in any of his starts since replacing Drew Bledsoe. His performance has led more than one national commentator to draw the obvious parallels between the '06 Cowboys and the '01 Patriots, and to instate the Cowboys as the team to beat in the NFC. (Side note - how long before Drew Bledsoe becomes the answer to some type of trivia question?)
San Diego Chargers "If only they had better luck" Team of 2006: San Francisco 49ers. In the abysmal NFC West (and really, the NFC in general), they could have been serious contenders to the division title. But they lost their star runningback and rookie stud tight end for an extended period of time to injuries earlier this year. They'll likely fall one game short of the playoffs, though if the Cardinals are still technically alive, I guess the Niners can't be counted out yet, either.
The "patting myself on the back" fantasy award: LaDanian Tomlinson, a player that some people said was slipping, that some people said was going to end up in a platoon situation this season, but you read it here first - he was the #1 overall player on my draft board, yet he slipped to #3 in my league. I, naturally, got the #9 pick and the immortal Cadillac Williams (followed by Julius Jones, Chris Chambers, and Anquan Boldin - I traded Boldin after Week 2). Yet another season of fantasy football futility for me.
The Maurice Clarett Jailbreak Award: This was a split decision between the entire Chargers' roster and the entire Bengals' roster, at least until this weekend. But after Bengals' rookie receiver Reggie McNeil was arrested for supposedly head-butting a police officer in the chest - the seventh Bengals arrest in the last twelve months - the voters were re-polled and took Cincinnati in a landslide. Team officials announced that the reception party would be held in the visitor’s area of the Ohio State Penitentiary.
The Annual "Kansas City Chiefs - Best Bet to Collapse in the Playoffs" Award: This could easily go to the Chiefs themselves, or the Jets, assuming either team actually make the postseason. But of the teams that are actually going to the playoffs, I have to take the Saints, no matter how bad a person that makes me. I honestly can't wait to bet against them when January rolls around. Of course, this award could be stripped and given to the Chicago Bears assuming Rex Grossman keeps putting up stellar 6/19, 34 yards, 3 INT stat lines...
Let's get on to the ranks...
1. San Diego (3): Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the most complete team in the NFL. Their only weakness appears to be on special teams, where they are relatively poor at covering kicks. If that’s a team’s only problem by Week 14, they’re in good shape.
2. Indianapolis (1): Tennessee has now outscored Indy by two-points combined in the 2006 season series. Eventually, the Colts might actually build a championship quality defense.
3. New England (4): A win is a win and all that, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I was terrified that my Pats were going to lose to the worst franchise in professional sports for about 55 minutes in that game last Sunday…
4. Baltimore (2): Yeah, they lost. But I still think they could easily handle any team below them, and maybe even one of the teams above them…
5. Dallas (5): They won an ugly, ugly game in the Meadowlands on Sunday. But a win is a win, and unless their QB suddenly morphs into Rex Grossman, they should be OK.
6. Cincinnati (8): Big time win for the Bengals on Thursday. Too bad the only news about the team will be another arrest of another player.
7. Seattle (9): Josh Brown is quickly becoming the new Adam Vinateri. Four game-winning kicks this year is pretty ridiculous, especially for a team with only eight wins.
8. Chicago (6): I know – they still won the game, and by two scores. But do you trust this team in the playoffs with Rex the Wonder Dog under center? Not that Brian Griese or Kyle Orton is the answer either…
9. Jacksonville (11): Another week, another week where I make a joke about not being able to classify this team. Just wake me up when they get pummeled in the first round of the playoffs.
10. New Orleans (10): It was a good win, but I didn’t see enough to move them up ahead of any of the teams above them right now. At least someone finally woke Reggie Bush up…
11. Kansas City (7): Tough loss to take against the Browns, but it’s even tougher on their playoff hopes. Their record in the AFC is going to be what keeps them out of the post-season, unless they win out.
12. New York Jets (15): Well, we’ve finally figured out who the second-best team in the AFC East is… By the Way – Eric Mangini & Sean Payton are my two Coaches of the Year right now.
13. Denver (12): Farther and farther down the ladder they fall. Remember when we were debating if they were the best team in the league, ahead of Indy & San Diego? Yikes…
14. Carolina (13): Great point on the radio earlier today – can you imagine, just for one game, what a quarterback like Tom Brady, Philip Rivers, or even Brett Favre could do with the receivers the Panthers are currently wasting on their roster? Wait… isn’t Steve Smith a free agent soon?
15. Atlanta (19): I really don’t want to move this team back into the top half of my rankings, because I’ve lost all faith in my sleeper-picking abilities, but the fact still remains that they’re right in the thick of the playoff hunt, and still alive in the NFC South.
16. Tennessee (22): Eli Manning, Peyton Manning… Archie better watch his back – Rob Bironas is coming for him next…
17. Philadelphia (21): Can you believe that Jeff Garcia still has a 300+ yard passing game in his arm? Shocked the hell out of me when I woke up this morning and saw that stat line…
18. Pittsburgh (23): Why won’t you just die? Please! Just go away!
19. Miami (14): Finally, Joey Harrington came back to Earth. And now he has to deal with the Patriots defense next week. See you next season
20. New York Giants (18): So, what needs to the Giants have to address in next year’s draft? Runningback… cornerback… safety… linebacker… um, quarterback?
21. Cleveland (24): Derek Anderson, meet the Dawg Pound. Dawg Pound, please go easy on Derek Anderson. He’s young and fragile. And your team isn’t winning anything this year. Just give him a pass for the last four games.
22. San Francisco (20): At least this week should be a win, and a huge game for Frank Gore and Alex Smith.
23. Buffalo (17): How they managed to keep it close against San Diego, I’ll never know. By the way – Roscoe Parrish might be the second scariest man in the league returning a punt, right behind Devin Hester.
24. St. Louis (16): You just lost to the Arizona Cardinals. Be thankful you’re not ranked #31.
25. Arizona (29): Yeah, I know – how can I rank them one spot below the team they just beat? Well, they’re Arizona. I’m not exactly convinced that they’re better than the Rams overall. They were just better this week. Any Given Sunday and all that.
26. Houston (30): They managed to win a game with –5 yards passing. That’s got to earn them some type of congratulations, even if it did come against the Raiders.
27. Washington (26): Jason Campbell looks like he might have a future in this league. Now, if Dan Snyder would stop overspending on wide receivers and maybe add some defensive help, this team could be a real threat in ’07 or ’08.
28. Minnesota (25): They held the Bears to 34 yards passing and nine offensive points, and still lost the game by ten. How do you even quantify that level of sucktitude?
29. Oakland (27): Just imagine if they’d had a shot to get a young, can’t miss quarterback in last year’s draft. Too bad there weren’t any of those available at the #7 spot.
30. Green Bay (28): It’s scary just how much help this team will need to even get back to a mediocre level. Brett Favre better have two or three more years left in him, or they can just add one more position to the shopping list.
31. Detroit (32): They hung tough with the #3 team for about 55 minutes this week. That’s enough to get out of the basement, at least for this week.
32. Tampa Bay (31): There was a rumor that Bruce Gradkowski might be in danger of losing his starting job for the rest of ‘06. To who, exactly?
posted by Big D @ 11:00 AM
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